I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
