If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
