i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
In America we eat man semen.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
