I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
