I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
