she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
