i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
