god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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