did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
