Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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