i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
