It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
