I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
