I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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