hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the day after is always just damage control
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
