dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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