I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
