I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
