fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
