Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
