did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
