Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
