i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
