my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
