While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
