Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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