I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
