His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
