Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
