My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
