So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
