I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
