Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
