i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
