Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
