I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
