Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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