Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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