I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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