We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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