I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
