someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
