She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
