So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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