I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
