She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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