I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
