I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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