perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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