she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
