i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
