I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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